urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:autothyestean autothyestean autothyestean 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:autothyestean:6714 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z My problem is that I was raised a Christian - hence&nbsp;I have a martyr complex. But most of my morality comes from LaVeyan Satanism, which means I can't feel good about it.&nbsp;<br /><br />Of course, I do feel good about doing bad to myself to do good. But I also feel bad about feeling good about doing bad to do good. Which is bad.&nbsp;<br /><br />This is an ethical dilemma.&nbsp;<br /><br />Most of the time recently I feel like I live in a little world. In that world there are two rats; named Lance and Chewie. There are a few people I care about, possibly even more than five of them. I have work to do, and I do it badly. But hopefully I'll be able to sort it out.&nbsp;<br /><br />First term is over. Everyone in the whole world is drunk except for me, and possibly my rats. I am over-worked, three hundred pounds in debt, worried, lonely,&nbsp;hopeless and&nbsp;completely at peace with things. For the next week I get to enjoy blessed, wonderful quiet. No fucking students. No gossip. No work. No job.&nbsp;<br /><br />"Nor is there pain or cause of pain<br />or cease in pain or noble path<br />to lead from pain,<br />not even wisdom to attain.<br />Attainment too is emptiness."